The Book of Mormon - All-American Prophet

ELDER PRICE:
You all know the Bible
Is made of Testaments old and new.
You've been told it's just those two parts,
Or only one, if you're a Jew.
But what if I were to tell you
There's a FRESH third part out there?
That was found by a HIP new prophet
Who had a little...
Donny Osmond flair?

Have you heard of the
All-American Prophet?
The blonde-haired,
Blue-eyed voice of God!
He didn't come from the Middle East
Like those other holy men!
No, God's favorite prophet was...
All-American!

I'm gonna take you back to Biblical times;
1823.
An American man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of Rochester, New York!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?!

ELDER PRICE:
That's right, that young man spoke to God!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
He spoke to God?!

ELDER PRICE:
And God said:
"Joe, people really need to know
That the Bible isn't two parts!
There's a part THREE to
The Bible, Joe! And I, God
Have anointed you to dig up this
Part three that is buried by the
Tree on the hill in your backyard!"

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Wow, God says go to you backyard
And start digging, that makes PERFECT SENSE!

ELDER PRICE:
Joseph Smith went up to that hill,
And dug where he was told.
And deep in the ground, Joseph found
Shining plates of gold!

JOSEPH SMITH:
What are these golden plates?
Who buried them here, and why?

ELDER PRICE:
Then appeared an angel!
His name was Moroni!

MORONI:
I am Moroni....

ELDER PRICE:
The All-American Angel!
My people lived here
Long, long ago!
This is the history of my race!
Please read the words within!
We were Jews who met with Christ,
But we were...
All-American!

But don't let anybody see these plates
Except for you...
They are only for you to see...
Even if people ask you to show
The plates to them, DON'T.
Just copy them onto normal paper.
Even thought this might make them
Question if the plates are real, or not,
This is sort of what God is going for....

Joseph took the plates home,
And wrote down what he found inside!
He turned those plates into a book,
Then rushed into town and cried:

JOSEPH SMITH:
Hey! God spoke to me and gave me
This blessed ancient tome!
He hath commanded me to publish it,
And stick it in every home!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Wow! So the Bible is actually a trilogy,
and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?! I'M interested!

ELDER PRICE:
Now, many people didn't believe
The prophet Joseph Smith.
They thought he'd made up this part three
That was buried by a tree on the hill in his backyard!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
LIAR!

ELDER PRICE:
But Joe said:

JOSEPH SMITH:
This is no lie!
I speak to God all the time,
And he told me to head west!
So I'll take my part three
From the hill with the tree,
Feel free if you'd like
To come along with me,
To the promised land!

TOWNSPEOPLE:
The PROMISED LAND?

JOSEPH SMITH:
Paradise!
On the west coast!
Nothing but fruit and fields
As far as the eye can see!

ALL:
Have you heard of the
All-American prophet?
He found a brand new book
About Jesus Christ!
We're following him to paradise;
We call ourselves Mormons!
And our new religion is...
All-American!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Wow! How much does it cost!?

ELDER PRICE:
The Mormons kept on searching for
That place to settle down,
But every time they thought they'd found it,
They got kicked out of town!
And even though people wanted
To see the golden plates,
Joseph never showed em!

GOTSWANA:
I have maggots in my scrotum.

ELDER PRICE:
Um... okay.

Well, anyway...

Now comes the part of our story
That gets a little bit sad...
On the way to the promised land,
Mormons made people mad.
Joseph was shot by an angry mob,
And knew he'd soon be done....

JOSEPH SMITH:
You must lead the people now,
My good friend... Brigham Young.

Oh, God... why are you letting me die?
Without having me
Show people the plates?
They'll have no proof I was
Telling the truth or not.
They'll have to believe it just...
Cause.
Oh! I guess that's kinda what you
Were going for....
Blargggh...

ELDER PRICE:
The prophet Joseph Smith DIED for what he believed in.
But his followers, they kept on heading west.
And Brigham Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah called...
Salt Lake City!
And there the Mormons multiplied, and made BIG MORMON families.
Generation to generation until finally... they made ME.
And now it's my JOB,
TO LEAD YOU WHERE THOSE EARLY SETTLERS WERE LED LONG AGO!!!

TOWNSPEOPLE and PRICE:
Have you heard of the All-American prophet?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Kevin Price!!!

TOWNSPEOPLE and ELDER PRICE:
The next in line
To be the voice of God?!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
My best friend!!!

TOWNSPEOPLE, ELDER PRICE, and ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
He's gonna do something
Incredible!
And be Joseph Smith again!
Cause Kevin Price the prophet is...
All...
All...
All...
ALL-AMERICAN-!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
If you order now, we'll also throw in a set of steak knives!

ALL:
ALL-AMERICAN!