Sam Butera - Story 'Bout The Dog

I'm gonna tell you a story now 'bout, 'bout this man who had this dog
He had this dog and it was a big dog
It was a bad dog, and it was mean
A big, bad, mean dog and he barked
This, this was a barkin' dog
Vicious dog, big, bad, and, and vicious and he was mean
Was a bark, and he barked
And he had somethin' wrong with his feet
Had an ingrown toenail on one foot
And then he had athlete's foot on t'other
And he walked with a lisp
And he had a rash! This dog had a rash he couldn't reach
But this was a bad dog and a barkin' dog
The reason this dog was so miserable
When he was a little pup and his man fed him those long Italian
Red-hot peppers with oregano and, and garlic
And, and, and watermelon seed
But this man's got this dog for a special reason!
He's livin' together lightly with this woman on the outskirts
And, and, and there's a fella down the road apiece
That he's worried about with, with a, with kinky hair and a saxophone
Sam! (What?)

You say you don't know my woman
You, you, you never met her before
You don't come visit me when I ain't home
Well, this is what I wanna know
I got this dog, he's the meanest dog in town
How come my dog don't bark when you come around?

This is a bad dog!
Uh, this dog'd bite my sister or even my brother
Uh, several weeks ago he tried to take a hunk outta
Dean Martin's compade's mother
He bit the mailman and he sees him every day
But when you come to the house for the first time
All that dog wanted to do was bring out the, uh, Sam Butera albums and play
And put the Prima records away
Somebody's foolin' around
How come my dog don't bark when you come around?

This is a bad dog, and I try to keep folks straight
I even bought a 'bad dog' sign and I hung it on my gate
Sam, but when you come through that gate last night
What did that dog do?
Looked at me and growled, and winked at you!
Somebody's confusin' my old Sicilian greyhound?

One o' these nights, I'ma pretend I'm gone (no, wait a minute)
And I ain't gonna be gone at all (now, wait a minute, Chief, wait a minute, man)
Then I'll find out for myself who it is that's havin' a ball (no, I don't do that, man)
If it's you, Sam, and that dog don't bark when you come through that gate (wait, I'll plead, I'll plead)
I don't care how you plead!
It's gonna be too late (wait a minute, man)
I've got a barber's razor (you wouldn't do that)
I'm gonna slit you long, deep, and wide
And when they bury you, you mother
You're gonna have some Italian dog meat by your side!

I'll cut 'im up fourteen different ways!