Hairspray - (The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

VELMA
Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha,
side step, front step, back, and turn.

TRACY
Oh my god, Penny, there's Link, Link!
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!

PENNY
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!

VELMA
Fron't step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha,
side step, front step, back, and, oh, Amber, look at this motly crew! oh
this town has sure gone downhill since I was crowned miss...

AMBER
Oh, mother not more ancient history!

VELMA
Oh, my God how times have changed, this girls must be blind,
or completely deranged!
But, times seem to halt since I was Miss Baltimore Crabs.
Amber, that move is far too dirty!

AMBER
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930!

VELMA
You can laugh, but life's a test!
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember, Mother knows best!
And the crowns in the vault from
when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

AMBER
these steps are perfect ammunition.

VELMA
Let me show you how you Mommy dear
took out the competition.
Girls, go get them, boys lets rumba!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
Those poor runner ups
might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges! those broads thought
they'd win if a plate they would spin in their dance..
hahaha..not a chance
boys, put me down!
Oh, good morning ladies, lets see what you got!

COUNCIL MEMBERS
Twist, twist, twist, twist, mashed potato, mambo!

VELMA
ready, begin
On my show you'll never find a thrusting hip or bump and grind!

AMBER
Whats that, a dance for flees and tics?

VELMA
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!
I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting Aida
and preparing SOUFLEES!
But that triple somersault
is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
DANCE BREAK!

VELMA
Proceed.

TAMMY
Are you scared we're on live?

TRACY
No, I'm sure I can cope.

AMBER
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
COUNCIL GIRLS
Cinema scope!

VELMA
I never drink one chocolate malt
no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs!

AMBER
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes!

VELMA
Ha kid, she'll never get a date
till daddy buy her a new nose!
I would say
Oi guevalt!
if I wasn't miss Baltimore crabs

AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?

LINK
Amber, theres no need to be cruel

VELMA
would you swim in an integrated pool?

TRACY
I sure would! i'm all for integration! it's the new frontier!

VELMA
Not in Baltimore, it isn't!
and may i be frank
first impressions can be tough
and when i saw you i knew
if your size weren't enough
your last answer just blew it!
and so my dear
so short and stout
you'll never be in
so were kicking you out!
with your form and your fate
oh, it isn't your fault!
just down with a case of
Miss Baltimore crabs
ergh you may go

TRACY
Thank you

PENNY
I think they secretly liked you!

LIL INEZ
May I please audition?

VELMA
Of course not
but u can bow and exalt
for i am miss Baltimore crabs!
COUNCIL GIRLS
crabs, crabs, crabs