Pandora's Box - The Want Ad

This is addressed to all the people
Who answered or may be thinking of answering
The personal Ad I placed in volume 2, number 15
Of this newspaper two weeks ago Friday

First: my apologies to the huge bartender with the voice
And the light-hearted, dark-skinned advertising man.
If either of you had called me back,
I might not be writing this retraction of my ad
Even though I will soon be too busy to date much,
But why didn't you call back?

But to the others...
Which include the two terrifying sisters
The under 18's and the over 60's
The numerous ones who dialed my number
And hung up as soon as I said "hello"
The 35 or 40 of you who made dates with me
And never showed up.
Including the one who complained his body was so powerful
He couldn't control it anymore
The desperate wife-seekers, the already married
The one who was so one-sided
That he could think of nothing but sex
And then have the gall to ask me
If his nationality was the reason I wouldn't sleep with him
The many who couldn't get it up when I was agreeable
And the many who could and did when I was not
The pleasant young foreigner who turned out
To be the private property of his gigantic girlfriend
The ones who were so grotesque in their appearance
That I couldn't possibly get past their faces
To even consider a relationship with them, especially sexual
The sharks, and the geeks, and the sadists,
The latter category which I had specifically stated I didn't want
And the ones who wanted endless dirty talk,
The ones who wanted to be punished
The ones who could only boast
About the size of their bank-rolls and/or their equipment
And this definitely includes the teacher who said:
"All the kids want my stuff"
The businessman who had an adjective
For every letter of his last name: "R is for rich"
The ones, and there were many, who said:
"My name is so and so, and so how far do you go"
The 300 pound lady judge who screamed abuse at me
The transvestite who wanted me to support him
The numerous young studs who had nothing to offer
Besides the negative results of their goddamn blood tests
The diminutive actor and the other short ones
The astronomer who cried like a baby
And said he'd been betrayed by every star he ever knew
The fanatic priest who wanted me to confess to things
I'd never even dreamed of
The worn out soldiers, the burned out poets,
The pumped up jocks and the used up kids
The racists, including the one at whose place I left my white sweater
And I'd rather cut off my right thumb than go back for it
The drunks, junkies, crack and coke-heads, the multitude of liars
And especially the nice ones who never called back!

To all of you I say:
Just forget my phone number
I don't need all the hassles

I'll be starting school next month and I just don't want to be bothered
Don't hold your breath, any of you

Sincerely,
The Underweight Platinum Blonde

Have a nice day